I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
