I am in a vortex of obligation.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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