Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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