my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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