Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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