insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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