i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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