I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
