The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
