Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
