omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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