i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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