nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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