totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
