Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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