I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
