after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
