This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
