i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
