i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
