So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
