I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
