STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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