capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
