wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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