You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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