woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
