Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
