did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
