saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
