Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
