So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
