quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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