Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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