I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
not ubering you a puppy
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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