And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
