went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
