My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
