He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
