Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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