cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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