You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
