im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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