I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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