I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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