Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
