the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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