I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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