Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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