I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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