mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
