I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
