he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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