All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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