at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
