Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
