i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
