nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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