Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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