There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
