i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
