dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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