Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize