his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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