Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
