I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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