Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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