I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
