i think my tv is drunk
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
