Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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