The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
