please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
