I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will pee on everything he values.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
