i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize