I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
