Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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